Which Life Do I Really Want?

Jesus was so crystal clear – maybe too clear.  He was so clear that it is very easy to miss the weight of what He said, at least that’s what I did. "Whoever desires to be great among you must become the servant of all." I am embarrassed by how far I allowed myself to slide from this way of living.  Somewhere along the way it must have snuck into my head that Jesus actually wants us to "go for our dreams," and "use our gifts."  I can’t articulate this as well as I want to, but try to open your heart to the sneaky deception of the above trite, Christian sayings.  That thinking is a trap!  Jesus’ life says "give expecting nothing in return."  Jesus’ life is one that prefers the needs of others ahead of his own.  The question really comes down to:  Which life do I really want, mine or HIS? Jesus said so much that I seem to want to overlook. I mean, I don't want to want to overlook his words - I just do. Like these: Serving is losing your life. Period. I guess that I always wanted to define what it would mean for me to give up my life. I wanted to be the one to determine when, how, where and by whom it would happen. I could wear the badge, so to speak, because I had "willingly given my life" in the service of others. My way would be to do the things that I am good at and the things that I enjoy and then do them with all my heart and with all my strength. I would take the areas of my gifting and I would pour myself out in service to others through the use of those gifts. Sounds good, right? A friend of mine once heard me say something like this and was concerned that I might be really messed up about my view of either using or not using our gifts. Let me say it this way: For me, the idea is not to be able to use my gifts. I must be willing to be used as a gift. Ephesians 4:11 says that Jesus gave some people to the church as gifts, not so that they could use their gifts. "He gave some to be..." I am coming to the realization that Jesus and I have drastically different ideas about what it means to lose one's life. Think about John. He has such a great line, a statement that I thoroughly believe was inspired by the Holy Spirit. He spoke of Jesus when he said, "I must decrease that he might increase." Awesome. John has absolutely the correct attitude. John has the heart of a servant. But what happens to John next? He gets arrested, does a significant stretch in prison until his gruesome execution. It seems clear that while John was in prison, he became severely discouraged and even offended by his situation. I can relate to John. I want to be able to say that I'm ready to decrease and for Jesus to increase and then that be the end of it. I want God to look down at me and say, "Hey, this guy gets it. He understands that it's not about him. He has the right attitude." I want to do all that and I want God to consider that me giving up my life, or dying to myself. Now think about Jesus. He is betrayed by one of his friends. He is forsaken by the rest of them. He is misunderstood and wrongly accused by his peers - the other religious leaders of the day. He is beaten and crucified as if he were a violent criminal. His life is taken from him, yet if you ask him, that's not the way he describes it. He says, "No one takes my life from me. I willingly lay it down." What I'm detecting from these two examples is that the "right attitude" does not come first. John had everything right and then when his life actually was taken from him - when he actually did begin to decrease - he seems to have trouble with it. Emptying me of my life is the only way to make room for Jesus' life. And the when, where, how and who to the losing of my life is absolutely NOT up to me. It is entirely held in the nail-printed hands of Jesus. "What are these wounds on your hands and on your feet?" "These are the wounds that I have suffered in the house of my friends." You can reach Scott by email at scottjbane@gmail.com