“It is right to be contented with what we have, never with what we are.” (James Macintosh)

As much as I have always wanted to be “content” with the “church” – it just isn’t happening. It’s almost like the more I read – the more my mind and heart cries out for something different, unconventional even! The encounters I have – any many times the lack of experiences – only pushes me toward this elusive hope: Hope that maybe there really is something distinctive for me out there. A church home – a church family built on true relationships, not contrived ones for the sake of Sundays… real people loving each other without the judgmental baggage that comes from being a modern-Christian for way too long. Hope for experiences stemming from our rich religious history – not just the latest fads and self-help pushes.

This is just the sort of “discussion” my friend and I found ourselves debating a while back. I was telling her how I feel about the certain circumstances surrounding the church-environments I usually find myself in. (Sometimes a person just wants to vent...) Even though the conversation got a little heated so to speak – it was good that she made me think about my part in the whole thing. I know I get sidetracked in missing the point when all I do is complain…Besides, it’s a lot less painful to focus on everybody else’s failures and completely overlook mine. (Didn’t Jesus say something about this exact kind of thing…?)

And yet – the answers she was giving me for every complaint and concern I voiced…they just weren’t cutting it for me! I know I’ve got to be involved in groups and actually go to church…but the itchy feeling that it’s gotta be better than this somewhere - only intensifies…especially the more I try to go and “play the game.”

I’ll admit to exploring other denominations – some from traditions on polar opposites from my Baptist upbringing. This usually causes some of my friends and family to wonder, “what’s got into me.” (But I happen to think it’s all part of the process of growing spiritually. I’m sure they just might beg to differ…)

It’s hard when you grow up in a church culture that preaches “sola doctrine” all your life, to feel even remotely comfortable researching other Christian denominations. I can’t help but see scary judgmental fingers, devoid of any faces, pointing straight at me…! (For me – humor it the best way of dealing with what could be diagnosed as depression stemming from man-made orthodoxy.)

I am not saying there are any easy answers – or even answers for that matter that will make everybody happy…but what I want to do more than anything is make God happy. The one thing I can be sure of is that I know I am not making him happy by giving up on church… but neither is going only to do what a “good” Christian should do!

So this is where I found myself  – after almost three years from when I first started studying the emerging church movement! In some ways, I feel like I have given some very valuable spiritual years away to shamefully crawling through the desert so to speak. On the other hand, these supposedly dry years in which I have admittedly lost faith in the Bride of Christ, has forced me to think and grow beyond any realm of my imagination. I love God and I love his Son more than I ever have…but I can’t help being reminded… there is something disturbingly wrong with not loving the entity (church) that He gave His life for.

During our talk, my friend brought up some good verses. But it was one set of verses that seemed to linger after I hung up the phone:

“I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength.” (Philippians 4:11-13)

And yet, I’m not so sure anymore if the standard interpretation of those verses is really the only way to look at what Paul is speaking about in this passage. I have assurance of salvation. I know I am a child of God. I yearn to serve Jesus with everything I am.

I’m just wasn’t content with the place I found myself in spiritually. (Course my husband says I’m never content, but that’s another story!) I don’t honestly think God would put this desire for change in my heart – that he would allow me to come into contact with these inspiring ideas only to leave me perpetually searching. I know we all have our times, but I don’t think it’s wrong to question, wonder, search after and explore what our Maker wants for us. I know things need to be weighed and tested (1 John 4:1), but there’s that fine balance again of being too content that you’re worthless, and being too driven that you’re insane. I may always lean too far to one side (I’ll let you guess which one!), but I know I’m loved.

And through it all – maybe love really is the one thing I need to cling to in this experience we call our faith walk…

Melissa Hedden is a special education teacher and almost confirmed-Anglican. She lives with her husband, Shawn, and her son, Ryan Adam Hedden, born on January 10.